Except for the Cancer

I blurted out one of those classic ironies the last time I was with Sharon at her infusion.  (I missed last Friday, but it was the first time I had missed any of them and, Lord willing, the last.  Big thanks to Irene and Sue for helping out.)  We climbed the four flights of stairs as we normally do and Sharon had settled into the recliner.  The nurse took her blood pressure and commented on how great the numbers were.  At that moment I turned to Sharon and said, "Except for the cancer, you're in really good shape."

For those of you who have walked through seasons like this you understand.  Life takes on a surreal quality that is almost indescribable.  Your options are laugh or cry.  We've done both.

September 11 and 666

When the Kaiser scheduled my second cataract surgery for September 11 there was a moment of pause.  September 11 will never be simply another date in September. The date will always conjure images of destruction.  It is not a date that elicits positive emotions or feelings of well-being.  But I let that all go and have been looking forward to seeing as well with the second eye as I do with the first.

Since Sharon and I were at the Irvine facility today for her 5th Taxol infusion, I went downstairs to pick up the three prescriptions of eye drops that I will have to use before and after the surgery.  I was politely told that it would be a while before the prescription would be ready.  I assured the pharmacist that I had several hours to wait so I would simply drop back later to pick up the prescriptions.  She handed me the call number that would help the clerk find my prescription when I returned.  There, in very large numerals, was the number 666.  There was a moment of pause.

Isn't it amazing that dates and numbers can carry such import?  My own response illustrates the power of words and symbols.  We are kidding ourselves if we think words do not matter or that symbols are meaningless.  It has been a reminder that “When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.” (Proverbs 10:19-ESV) balanced by the passage from Acts, “And Judas and Silas, who were themselves prophets, encouraged and strengthened the brothers with many words.” (Acts 15:32-ESV).  In each passage there are many words, but in the first it results in much sin while in the second it results in much encouragement.  We should never take lightly the power of our words.

 

Getting What We Deserve

Confession is good for the soul, so this is the part where I confess I've been frustrated over the past few years with all the commercials, conversations and even sermons that have mentioned how much we deserve something good.  Even commercials on radio stations run by Christians playing music created by Christians to be heard by Christians stress how much we deserve their product.  (Christian is a noun, not an adjective but that's a blog for another time.)


Well my slow burn turned into a small, short blaze last Sunday.  It was the statement by John Geddert that became the straw that broke my camel's back.  John Geddert is Jordyn Wieber's gymnastics coach.  In case you've been boycotting the Olympics instead of Amazon or Chick-fil-A, Jordyn Wieber is the world all-around gymnastics champion.  But in the Olympics Jordyn failed to make the individual all-around because she scored less than two of her USA teammates and the rules say only two competitors from each country can qualify for the individual all-around.


In the emotional aftermath of the day, which may excuse his poor choice of words, Coach Geddert said, "She has trained her entire life for this day and to have it turn out anything less than she deserves is going to be devastating."


Now as I reveal my response to this statement remember this has been building for a few years and this is nothing personal against Jordyn Wieber who obviously is an outstanding gymnast and probably a very nice person.  But seriously, she got something less than she deserved?  I thought gymnasts were scored on the basis of their current performance not on the basis of life-long training.  I guess we can cancel future Olympics and simply award the medals to those who train their entire lives because they are the ones who deserve it.


Those athletes who devote themselves to life-long training aren't the only ones who are deserving, according to commercials and popular folklore..  We all deserve whatever it is we want.  You deserve a break today.  You deserve to have your crushing student loan forgiven even though you signed the agreement to pay it back.  You deserve to declare bankruptcy even if you're in your current situation because of really bad choices.  On the aforementioned radio station run by Christians the bankruptcy commercial even mentions that you can keep your boat, RV and SUV.  To ease the pain I guess.  You can't make this stuff up.)


I could go on but you stopped reading in the first paragraph so I'll just say this.  I am so glad that God has NOT given me what I deserve, but instead He graciously, mercifully gave me life with Him.  When the angels rebelled God did nothing to redeem them.  He could have rightfully done the same with me.  He didn't.  And for that I am, literally, eternally grateful.


One last comment.  Now that I've mentioned the word "deserve" it will amaze you how often you are going to hear the word "deserve" over the next few weeks.  That's your reticular activator at work.  It's the part of your brain that notices some things and ignores others so you don't go crazy with all the information coming at you.  Now that I've highlighted the word "deserve" you will notice it everywhere, kind of like when you get a new car and notice how many others own the same one.  I was going to apologize for activating your reticular activator, but hey, you deserve it.

Pacing in Front of the Microwave

Over the years I have often quipped that as Americans we pace in front of the microwave.  Anything worth doing is worth doing quickly.  Technology is outdated six months after its release. (The by-now-very-old May 2011 commercial by Best Buy is a classic statement of this phenomenon.)

Why do I bring this up?  Sharon and I have had enough of this season.  We want off the roller coaster.  We’ve been at this since April, after all, and are ready to move on.  Especially during the days following each infusion.  Life slows and our circle becomes very small.  And it’s not like when you go on vacation to some remote mountain cabin of your choosing, taking with you a few good books to read between hikes among the flora and fauna.  No, it’s like living with the flu every three weeks, only this flu also takes your hair along with your energy and gives you bone pain to boot.  And like the healthy person in the couple where one has the flu, I get the job of making the lite dinners and snacks, keeping the water glasses filled (Sharon mentioned last night that she’s sick of water.  That tells you something about her beverage options.), patting her hand, kissing her forehead and staying close by.  It’s a role I take seriously and wouldn’t trade with anyone, but if Sharon were feeling better there are certainly things we’d rather be doing.

With the upcoming round of Taxel followed by Herceptin and radiation we’re looking at about a year’s worth of treatment.  For 21^st century North Americans, that’s a long time.  Where’s the magic bullet?  Isn’t there something we can take that won’t have side effects?  Why does it have to take so long, cost so much (this is where a good credit history helps) and have so many implications for Sharon?  We’ve been at this 4 months already.  Isn’t that long enough?

When we get to this place in our heads, we have to take a deep breath and consider the alternatives.  There are people throughout the world who would be more than willing to commit a year to becoming cancer-free. There are people throughout the world with other diseases and syndromes who will have a lifetime of treatment (or not).  Knowing this does not take away our sense of frustration or make those recovery days easier.  But it does help bring us more quickly back to our gratitude that there is something that can be done that will keep Sharon here and, Lord willing, will restore her to health.  It reminds us that we are blessed, not because we deserve it but because we live in an age where there are those who have used their God-given (whether they acknowledge it or not) curiosity about the complexities of the human body to discover ways to combat cancer.  And it reminds us that God is with us each step of the way.  As Eugene Peterson translates Hebrews 13:5, “God assured us, ‘I’ll never let you down, never walk off and leave you.’”  Or as Paul reminds us in his letter to the church at Rome, “Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? (Romans 8:35-NLT)  Paul’s answer to this rhetorical question, by the way, is “No.”

So when you pray for us in this season, remember to pray for healing, but also for continued glimpses of the bigger picture.  We are “all human all the time” and therefore subject to discouragement, sadness, depression and impatience.  Remember to pray about those side effects, too.

Well, I have to run.  I have something in the microwave. 

Precisely

Sharon and I were talking the other day about how to describe this season precisely.  For those of you who know us, we both work at communicating precisely.  We cringe when someone refers to a “mute” point rather than a “moot” point.  Chester Drawers was an omelet parlor in Costa Mesa; a chest of drawers is an item of furniture for storing your clothes. A person who “could care less” still has a ways to go before total apathy sets in while a person who “couldn’t care less” is at the lowest point on the care-o-meter.  But I digress.

Before her surgery, I would tell people my wife has cancer.  Has. Present tense.  The surgeon is confident he removed all of the cancer including the two affected (not effected) lymph nodes.  So do we now need to say Sharon had cancer?  Had.  Past tense.  If so, why is she going through chemotherapy?  You can’t kill off cancer cells that don’t exist, can you?  Can we say Sharon is battling cancer?  But if the cancer is gone, why are we still fighting?

What this quandary reminds us is that for all its (not it’s) advances, medicine is still not an exact science.  There are no guaranteed cures.  There are many unanswered questions. We recently watched all four seasons of the BBC series, Bramwell. (If you decide to watch it, stop at the end of Season 3.  Under no circumstances should you go on to Season 4.) Eleanor Bramwell is one of the very few female doctors at the end of the 19^th century (that’s the 1800’s not the 1900’s.).  The first 3 seasons are vivid, graphic reminders of how far medicine has come in the last 100 years.  I would not want Sharon to have breast cancer in 1898.  I would not want to get a simple infection in 1898.  But for all the advances since then, doctors are still making educated guesses today because, as David points out in Psalm 139, we are “fearfully and wonderfully made.”  Our bodies are vastly complex and the variables are beyond calculation.

So I return to my question.  How should we refer to Sharon’s current status?  Maybe something along the lines of “Sharon had cancer and we hope that it has been totally removed by surgery but just in case it hasn’t we are currently taking steps that we hope will make its return less likely.”  The sentence itself shows how complex this season is.  Precisely.

Lived Life

"If the unexamined life is not worth living, 

the unlived life is hardly worth examining."

(From an article entitled "About Face--Why I'm Not On Facebook" by Steve Baarendse, Associate Professor of English and Humanities at Columbia International University in the May/June Touchstone magazine, . You can download a PDF of the article here by permission of Touchstone Magazine.)

Many of you know my wife Sharon is currently going through a round of chemo due to her battle with breast cancer.  Many have graciously commented on Sharon's journal entries on CaringBridge and what an encouragement those entries are as they walk on their own journey.  I think at the root of this response is that these people know it comes from a "lived life."

My point is that Sharon is one of those people who has not been sitting on the sidelines of life and waiting for things to happen. She is not one who tries to live life vicariously through her kids, her husband or her Facebook page. Sharon is one of those people, to quote Thoreau, who wants to "live deep and suck out all the marrow of life."  (Although why this imagery is appealing I'll never know.)

The reason the sharing of her experiences and insights touches people, I believe, is because there is integrity.  (The word integrity comes from the root word integer, which refers to a "complete entity.")  It doesn't mean she's perfect.  What it means is what you see is what you get.  Her life is integrated.  She seldom compartmentalizes so she has a spiritual life disconnected from an emotional life disconnected from a physical life.

So Sharon is not one of those whose unexamined life is not worth living.  Nor is she one of those whose unlived life is hardly worth examining.  No, Sharon is one of those rare individuals whose lived life is worth examining.  Thank God she's willing to allow us to do that in her journal entries.  And she's been kind enough to allow me that privilege for almost 40 years.

My Cup of Tea: Communication vs. Communion

My Cup of Tea: Communication vs. Communion: There is no substitute for face-to-face. Don’t get me wrong. I am grateful for Facebook, Skype, and other technology that allows me to re...

Over the past two days I've received 2 videos on small groups (Life Groups, Growth Groups, Home Fellowship Groups, the names change but the concept of gathering with other believers to interact in the context of faith is the same).  Below is the video that best captures what we won't admit to ourselves.  We don't want to be vulnerable to others.  We want to keep our lives secure behind the walls we've erected.  Our local Life Group is beginning a study of "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality" this week. I think I'll show this video as a way of illustrating those undercurrents in all of us.  We don't want to unpack things we've packed away tightly for very good reasons.  Wouldn't it be super if we could have small groups like this?

My Cup of Tea: The Every

A recent post by my daughter, Kristi, who continues to bless me with her love for Jesus.

My Cup of Tea: The Every: I have been thinking about the “Every” recently. The vision statement of Youth for Christ is, “As part of the body of Christ, to see that...

I Know Where I'm Going...

I've just updated an earlier book I wrote (2004), I Know Where I'm Going, Just Not Exactly How to Get There and it's been published in the Nook and Kindle format. The Nook is available in the NookBooks section of the Barnes and Noble website. The Kindle is available in the KindleBooks section of Amazon. The Nook and Kindle apps are free for your smart phone, PC or Mac.

The book is a look at the 2003 road trip that Sharon and I took that covered 7 weeks, 11,000 miles, 33 states, and 3 countries.  Lessons learned and lives changed.

 The book is only $2.99, but remember you get what you pay for.

Sleeping on the Library Floor

In the summer of 2003 Sharon and I were privileged to piece together a seven-week, 11,000 mile, three country, thirty-three state road trip.  Out of that grew a short book entitled, "I Know Where I'm Going, Just Not Exactly How to Get There."  The following is one of the chapters.

As we arrived in a small mid-western town, we drove through the streets trying to locate the church where we were to stay. Up until now, we had slept in the homes of various friends, strangers, hotels, motels, bed & breakfasts, a KOA Kamper Kabin and, in a few days, we would sleep in our tent. This was the first time we were going to sleep in a church.

We located the church and gave a call to the church secretary to tell her we had arrived. We watched a glorious sunset and looked forward to the quiet of the church and a night on our inflatable mattress. Within 15 minutes the secretary arrived and showed us around the building. It was very nice. There were clean restrooms to use. In the library it was easy to move the chairs to clear a space for our air mattress. We were given access to the church office so we could make phone calls to our children to give them a trip update. We could even plug the laptop into the phone jack to send and receive e-mail. I was feeling fine and looking forward to a quiet evening away from conversations and the sound of the highway. I was content. Until…

Just as the secretary was about to leave, she said, “Usually when we have people passing through, we can easily find a family who will host them for the night, but many people are out of town.” Now as you read that sentence, you may find no reason to raise an eyebrow. We had traveled thousands of miles and, although it was tiring, we had enjoyed the company of friends and strangers. Just a moment before I was perfectly content with my accommodations, but in that one sentence, the secretary had inadvertently and unintentionally raised my expectations. Now instead of looking forward to the quiet and the technological hook-ups, I was focusing on the fact that not a single person in the church had been willing or able to house us for the night. What made matters worse for me is that this woman was obviously not out of town, but wasn’t hosting us. “Why aren’t we staying at your house?” I wanted to ask. Fortunately, over the years I really have grown up a lot (contrary to the opinion of some) and I kept my question to myself.

What this episode pointed out was my own twisted heart. Where moments before I was thankful and rejoicing that we would not have to sleep outside (it was beginning to rain), now I was discontent that I wasn’t staying in someone’s home. Nothing had changed in my circumstances except my expectation. I went from contentment to discontentment in the space of one sentence. How often this same shift has occurred in my life. Most often it is not as dramatic or noticeable, but it happens none the less. I am grateful to God for His gracious gifts and His merciful hand, and then I wonder where He has gone and why He left no forwarding address.

The apostle Paul wrote to the Philippian Christians, “Actually, I don't have a sense of needing anything personally. I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.” (Philippians 4:11-13, MsgB)

I can’t say that I have learned (past tense) to be quite content whatever my circumstances. But I am learning (present tense) to be quite content. Paul had to go through the “I am learning” stage in order to reach the “I have learned” stage. It is the only way we grow in our understanding and application of God’s truth. It is that tension of the now and the not yet. Contentment is not something that appears in our life full grown. It is something that, like Paul, we learn through the process of circumstance after circumstance where our contentment is challenged.

What was encouraging to me is that my discontent following the secretary’s statement lasted only the briefest of moments. And I’m content with that.

Vulgar and Tasteless Externals

In his thought-provoking and status-quo disturbing book, Earthen Vessels, Matthew Lee Anderson quotes G. K. Chesterton who, in the early 1900's, described the coming peril to Western Culture when he wrote about “the intellectual, educational, psychological and artistic over-production, which, equally with economic over-production, threatens the well-being of contemporary civilization. People are inundated, blinded, deafened, and mentally paralyzed by a flood of vulgar and tasteless externals, leaving them no time for leisure, thought, or creation from within themselves."


Think about Chesterton's description and then multiply that effect by the myriad "over-productions" since then.  No wonder we don't know who we are or why we're here.  We are buried in "vulgar and tasteless externals" which have pushed us ever more into being consumers rather than creators of art, literature, conversation, music, relationships.  We live in a mediated culture in which we spend much of our time in situations (internet, e-mail, smart phones) in which we don't really have to be present to another.  In these mediated circumstances we decide how much of ourselves to reveal rather than being in the risky situation of actually sharing the same space where you can't hide the rolling of your eyes or the expansion of your waistline or the impatience reflected in your restless leg. The fact is that even when we're with "real people" we're often checking our text messages, e-mail or posting on Facebook and therefore not truly present to another.


I'm not a Luddite. I own a smart phone (obsolete the moment I walked off the sales floor), I am using a Toshiba laptop I purchased just months ago to type this blog, but I am becoming more aware of how disconnected I've been especially over the past 5 years as my sphere of ministry has expanded to parts of 5 states with more than 200 churches.  "By necessity" I do much of my communication in mediated situations.  No wonder I hate traveling but love it when I actually arrive and get to spend time with people.  It's because that's the way were were made.  It's not good for us to be alone.  We are created in the image of the triune God who enjoys eternal fellowship within the Trinity.


So as a way to begin, here's my conscious choice to slow the flow or short-shrift the drift.  I'm going to stop checking my phone for e-mail when I'm home.  It can wait until morning.  I need some time for "leisure, thought, and creation from within myself."  My wife, children and grandchildren will probably benefit too.

Thank You

As many of you know I have two above average grandchildren, both girls.  The oldest, Raya, has been talking since she was an infant but recently she has begun to condescend to use words we recognize so that we can respond dramatically to what she is saying.  It does my heart good when I realize the words we can understand are “Hi”, “go”, “no”, “yes”, “yeah” and my personal favorite “thank you” (spoken very much like Brenda Lee Johnson on The Closer).  What thrills me as a grandfather and a follower of Jesus is that these words are, for the most part, cordial, respectful, and grateful.  I know Raya will eventually pick up other words (and attitudes), but for now I’m enjoying a granddaughter who is cheerful and grateful. I think I'll work on being like her.

Cataracts and Faith

A couple weeks ago I went to my ophthalmologist to have my eyes examined.  (Even though I think the suggestion from someone is that I should have my head examined.)  It’s been getting more difficult to read road signs and with all the travel I do, that has been a challenge.  It’s not that I can’t see to drive; it’s just that I want those letters to be crisp and easy-to-read.

After the usual puffs of air into the eyes and the “Which is clearer, this or this?” the Doctor told me that he could write me a new prescription but it wouldn’t help the clarity much.  He then showed me the difference.  He was right.  It wasn’t worth the expense to hardly notice a difference.  What he told me at that point is that my vision was being affected by cataracts, particularly in my left eye.

What has been rolling around in my head since then is my expectation that since I went to the Doctor he should have the technology to make it better.  To be fair, he did say I could have cataract surgery in a few years and that would dramatically improve my vision.  This visit for a simple eye test has been a reminder of how much I am a product of my culture.  I assume that since we have made such strides in medicine and technology, there is no problem that cannot be solved by simply applying what is available.  “We can rebuild him. We have the technology.” I heard that for 4 years in the early 70's and I still must believe it somewhere deep inside me.

But much of life is beyond the reach of a technological solution.  And I've had to ask myself, "Is God any less present or faithful or merciful or gracious if there is no wonder cure available for what ails me?"  What about all those millions of people throughout the world who do not live in a world where technology is so readily available?  Do they have to live by faith, but I get to live by faith and technology?  I don’t think so.  And it took my ophthalmologist to remind me that I have this treasure in a jar of clay so that it can be shown that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to me.  I got more from that appointment than I expected.  And while I wish I could see better, I'm glad I went.  The lesson was worth it.

More Questions for and about Rob Bell

Justin Bieber made me miss my stop

About 3 days a week I take the bus to work. Sharon and I have been down to 1 car in Southern California (a cultural anomaly, I know) for more than a year.  This morning I was reading USA Today on my phone when I happened across a headline about Justin Bieber's faith and how explicit it is in his new film (which, for the life of me, I can't understand being made, let alone in 3D, but that's a blog for another time).  When I glanced up I saw a McDonald's on the left side of the bus.  There is no McDonalds on the left side of the bus on the route to my office until you are past my office.  Yep.  That would be it.  I had missed my stop because I was reading about Justin Bieber's faith (and the fact that Katy Perry is the child of two pastors, as I understand it).  So I had a wonderful 15 minute walk BACK to my office.  Good exercise, but I kept muttering, "I missed my stop because I was reading about Justin Bieber?  What does this say about me?  What would my friends think?"

So I decided to be proactive and tell you how this incident relates to the book of Ezekiel.  In chapter 18 Ezekiel is addressing the Diaspora's objections to God judging Judah.  "Isn't it true, Ezekiel, that if God judges Judah, He's doing so because of what their father's did?"  Ezekiel responds to the question with a story about a godly man who fathers a child who grows up to live an ungodly life.  In turn, that ungodly man fathers a child who grows up to live a godly life.  In each case Ezekiel points out that ultimately the decision to follow, in this case YHWH, is a personal choice regardless of who the parent is.  (Obviously Ezekiel had never read the promise in Proverbs that says if I just train a child to be a Christian I can't lose.  Oh wait, that isn't a promise?  It's a proverbility?  Oh....)

Anyway, it turns out that Justin Bieber is the child of a single teen mom who came to faith in Jesus. Justin shares that faith with his mom.  Now he wants others to know Jesus.  And then there is Katy Perry who comes from parents who are both pastors who didn't let her listen to secular music. She attended Christian School and camps.  She grew up to record "I kissed a girl" and "Ur so gay."  (I want to point out these songs were not recorded by the Christian record label she had signed to earlier in her career.) She recently was married in a "traditional Hindu ceremony."  It's a sobering reminder that we who know Jesus need to parent in a way that honors God, but we don't get guarantees on how that will be lived out by our children.  I don't know about you, but I keep praying for my kids.

And all this because I missed my bus stop...

We have sinned and grown old...

Raya, my above-average granddaughter, is at that stage where almost everything is worth doing repeatedly.  In his book, "Orthodoxy," G.K. Chesterton writes, "A child kicks his legs rhythmically through excess, not absence, of life. Because children have abounding vitality, because they are in spirit fierce and free, therefore they want things repeated and unchanged. They always say, 'Do it again'; and the grown-up person does it again until he is nearly dead. For grown-up people are not strong enough to exalt in monotony. But perhaps God is strong enough to exult in monotony. It is possible that God says every morning, 'Do it again' to the sun; and every evening, 'Do it again' to the moon. It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but He has never got tired of making them. It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we."


Here is a video which, so far, I have not grown tired of.  Maybe it's because she belongs to me.  Maybe it's because she is so cute.  Maybe it's because I am getting younger.

Crossing the Abyss

My daughter, Kristi, shared this piece by Dan Wolgemuth, president of Youth for Christ USA:

December 3, 2010
"Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men."  ~ Philippians 2:4-7 (ESV)

Mary had reluctantly agreed to be a part of a skit that I had prepared for the Youth for Christ/USA Christmas program. The platform was set with two overstuffed chairs that were located center stage. A substantial jazz band with five vocalists was immediately behind us. The script included three interspersed worship songs and a surprise guest just after the second song.

Malia, our granddaughter who is nearly three years old, was the surprise. I had written her into the performance knowing the inherent risks that such a step might introduce. I wanted her to join me on stage, to sit in my lap, to listen attentively as I read to her… and then to join a chorus of singing Holy, Holy, Holy.

I had talked her through the flow, but there was no way to prepare her for what it would be like to execute the plan with 150 strangers in the room and a significant crowd on the stage. Andrew and Chrissy (Malia’s parents) found two empty seats about thirty feet off of the left side of the stage.

I moved through the script until the moment when I would deliver my cue… "Hey, Mary, did you hear somebody at the door?" And with that, Malia was to enter. What I hadn’t counted on, or prepped her for was THE WALK; the thirty feet between the reassuring arms of her father and the familiar and welcome lap of her Pops.

Andrew released her and with focused resolve she began her march in my direction. She was invisible at first… her tiny frame hidden among the tables, chairs, and adult bodies. Her eyes locked on mine as she moved. She walked without official invitation… there was no coaxing; I had to remain in character and on script. For thirty feet; thirty very, very long feet.

Yes, I scooped her up. Yes, she sat tenderly in my lap. Yes, she attentively listened as I read to her in the oddest of situations. And yes, she even pushed out some of the beautiful lyrics of the first verse of "Holy, Holy, Holy."

But it was the thirty feet that I will remember. The thirty feet without companionship. The thirty feet of silence. From safety… from comfort… from familiarity… into the void. To be part of a story. A powerful and beautiful story.

Across the abyss. Into the wilderness. From heaven to earth.

Jesus left the throne room… He left the arms of His Father to bring the embrace of grace. He walked the thirty feet. For us. For hope. For love.

It was Malia’s first Christmas program… and little did any of us know that she would play the role of Jesus.

From June 1996

Having to recently replace my hard drive and restore backed up files, I unearthed this article from 1996.  Especially for those of you who are still parenting children who have not yet "launched," you may find some encouragement in this piece.

There are moments in our lives that serve as markers of the passage of time. As I anticipate my firstborn crossing the platform on Friday night and becoming a high school graduate, I am struck again with the pace at which life flies.

It seems only a few years ago that we were bringing her home after her birth. Only a few years ago she was in kindergarten, playing with her Playskool toys and lighting up the room with her smile (which she can still do). Only a few days ago she was being pushed down the street on her bike by her grandpa in an attempt to teach her to ride her "two wheeler". Only a few moments ago she going to her first Junior High dance, learning to drive, going on a summer-long missions trip. The days turn into weeks, the weeks turn into months, the months turn into years and suddenly (it seems) she is an adult with plans to have a life all her own.

It becomes increasingly obvious that whatever imprint Sharon and I had hoped to have in her life has already been pressed into her character. When she looks back on her childhood and her adolescence, only she can determine how good a job we did as parents.

My prayer, like generations of parents before me, is that when she looks back, she'll look back in kindness. Like generations of Christians before me, I pray that she will realize that above all else we loved her and what we most desired is that she fall in love with the Savior.

It is at moments like this that I ask the question again, "What does it profit a man if he gain the world and lose his family?" (Schliep paraphrase of Mark 8:36) I don't regret the late night walks around the living room with my baby girl trying to get her to sleep. (I don't miss them either.) I don't regret the nights at "open house", the concerts, the plays, the awards ceremonies, the disagreements over "matters of consequence". I don't regret being unable to buy her a car for graduation. I don't regret the trust I gave and the way she kept that trust. I don't regret what an amazingly balanced adult God has made her because of, and in spite of, me.

I do regret how often I jumped to conclusions. I do regret not asking more questions about how she was doing, really. I do regret that I couldn't model Christ more clearly to her.

One of the things I've learned in my role as a parent is that, as Christians, we need never parent alone. God has given us His wonderful family to keep us balanced. I am eternally grateful for the many adults in this fellowship who have invested their lives in the lives of my children. They have learned from you things they would never have learned from me.

As Kristi launches out into this new season in her life, may she find that, like those young adults who have gone before her, the things she has learned and the things she has seen modeled are those things which have lasting value no matter where her Lord may lead her.

Every Saint Has a Past and Every Sinner Has a Future

In his novel, Father Elijah, author Michael O’Brien puts these words into the mouth of his lead character, “First of all, you let yourself be drawn away from prayer. You weren’t distracted by evil things, for the enemy knows that you have been converted from them. He drew you away by legitimate pleasures… The second temptation is of a more sinister nature. The temptation to hate yourself because you have not lived up to your ideal. That is pride, and it is very dangerous. It opens the door to much worse things.”

That quote could take this column in two directions.  The first would be a monologue about how easily it is to be drawn away from prayer by “legitimate pleasures.”  With the Christmas season approaching there would be plenty of examples I could use from my life or yours.

But it is the second part of the quote that I would like to focus on because as we move into the new year we are probably already looking back on this year and despairing of how little we accomplished or bemoaning the changes we were going to make, but didn’t. This is one of those tensions that must be held by Christians if we are going to be faithful to what God has revealed about what it means to walk with Him.

We are not what we should be.  We are not what we were.  Peter writes, “So you must live as God’s obedient children.  Don’t slip back into your old ways of living to satisfy your own desires.  You didn’t know any better then.  But now you must be holy in everything you do, just as God who chose you is holy” (1 Peter 1:14-15 NLT).  John writes, “If we claim that we’re free of sin, we’re only fooling ourselves.  A claim like that is errant nonsense” (1 John 1:8 The Message).  Paul writes, “Because we have these promises, dear friends, let us cleanse ourselves from everything that can defile our body or spirit. And let us work toward complete holiness because we fear God.” (2 Corinthians 7:1 NLT)  Eliphaz, in the book of Job asks, “Do you think it’s possible for any mere mortal to be sinless in God’s sight, for anyone born of a human mother to get it all together?” (Job 15:14 The Message)

While we cannot give ourselves permission to sin, neither can we hate ourselves because we have failed to live up to either to God or our own ideals.  As Chuck Leckie used to say (and maybe still does) we need to have our noses pointed in the right direction.  Paul said something similar in his letter to the Christians at Philippi: “I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection.  But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me.  No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing:  Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.” (Philippians 3:12-14 NLT)

Oscar Wilde was right when he wrote, “Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.”  In Christ, that past is forgiven and that future is secure.  So, like the apostle Paul, let us forget the past and look forward to what lies ahead, pressing on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.