Investing or Spending?

I have had some thoughts rolling around in my head over the past few weeks.  (I know that will surprise many of you who think I never have a thought in my head.)  These thoughts even leaked out during my sermon in Santa Margarita last weekend.  They have to do with the term we use when describing our relationship with others, especially as it relates to the ministry of disciple-making.

How often have you or I or some other Christian referred to how we are “investing” in another person?  By that we mean we are meeting with them on quite a regular basis to both teach and to learn.  It could be one-on-one or in small gatherings, but we are investing in followers of Jesus.  The question at the end of some sermons is, “Who are you investing in?”

But it struck me the other day that subtly this view of these relationships can skew the relationship because of what we expect from an investment.  What we expect is ROI.  Return on investment.  In our culture one only invests if one thinks there is a good possibility that one will receive back more than one invests.  That, in our culture, is a good investment.  It began to dawn on me that more times than I would care to admit, I was looking for an ROI even if I was not the beneficiary of the return.  In other words, as long as the person went on to be an “above average Christian” I could feel good about my investment of time and energy in their walk with Jesus.

But maybe what God actually calls us to is spending ourselves for others.  When you spend something like money or time, you only get to spend it once.  Spending may or may not bring you some return.  “I spent the day at Disneyland.”  It may or may not have given you the pleasure you had hoped for but certainly you didn’t say, “I invested a day at Disneyland.”  The experience itself was enough of a payoff for you to spend the money and time.  You didn’t need to receive back more than you spent.  “I spent the morning with my wife.”  Maybe you hope that there will be some return on the time spent, but being together for that time is enough for you to spend the time.

What if we began “spending” our time with others instead of always trying to discern if we should invest our time in others?  What if the time spent was, by itself, enough?

Now I’ve infected your head with these thoughts and you can figure it out.  Let me know what you decide. Think of it as investing in my life.

Except for the Cancer

I blurted out one of those classic ironies the last time I was with Sharon at her infusion.  (I missed last Friday, but it was the first time I had missed any of them and, Lord willing, the last.  Big thanks to Irene and Sue for helping out.)  We climbed the four flights of stairs as we normally do and Sharon had settled into the recliner.  The nurse took her blood pressure and commented on how great the numbers were.  At that moment I turned to Sharon and said, "Except for the cancer, you're in really good shape."

For those of you who have walked through seasons like this you understand.  Life takes on a surreal quality that is almost indescribable.  Your options are laugh or cry.  We've done both.

September 11 and 666

When the Kaiser scheduled my second cataract surgery for September 11 there was a moment of pause.  September 11 will never be simply another date in September. The date will always conjure images of destruction.  It is not a date that elicits positive emotions or feelings of well-being.  But I let that all go and have been looking forward to seeing as well with the second eye as I do with the first.

Since Sharon and I were at the Irvine facility today for her 5th Taxol infusion, I went downstairs to pick up the three prescriptions of eye drops that I will have to use before and after the surgery.  I was politely told that it would be a while before the prescription would be ready.  I assured the pharmacist that I had several hours to wait so I would simply drop back later to pick up the prescriptions.  She handed me the call number that would help the clerk find my prescription when I returned.  There, in very large numerals, was the number 666.  There was a moment of pause.

Isn't it amazing that dates and numbers can carry such import?  My own response illustrates the power of words and symbols.  We are kidding ourselves if we think words do not matter or that symbols are meaningless.  It has been a reminder that “When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.” (Proverbs 10:19-ESV) balanced by the passage from Acts, “And Judas and Silas, who were themselves prophets, encouraged and strengthened the brothers with many words.” (Acts 15:32-ESV).  In each passage there are many words, but in the first it results in much sin while in the second it results in much encouragement.  We should never take lightly the power of our words.

 

Getting What We Deserve

Confession is good for the soul, so this is the part where I confess I've been frustrated over the past few years with all the commercials, conversations and even sermons that have mentioned how much we deserve something good.  Even commercials on radio stations run by Christians playing music created by Christians to be heard by Christians stress how much we deserve their product.  (Christian is a noun, not an adjective but that's a blog for another time.)


Well my slow burn turned into a small, short blaze last Sunday.  It was the statement by John Geddert that became the straw that broke my camel's back.  John Geddert is Jordyn Wieber's gymnastics coach.  In case you've been boycotting the Olympics instead of Amazon or Chick-fil-A, Jordyn Wieber is the world all-around gymnastics champion.  But in the Olympics Jordyn failed to make the individual all-around because she scored less than two of her USA teammates and the rules say only two competitors from each country can qualify for the individual all-around.


In the emotional aftermath of the day, which may excuse his poor choice of words, Coach Geddert said, "She has trained her entire life for this day and to have it turn out anything less than she deserves is going to be devastating."


Now as I reveal my response to this statement remember this has been building for a few years and this is nothing personal against Jordyn Wieber who obviously is an outstanding gymnast and probably a very nice person.  But seriously, she got something less than she deserved?  I thought gymnasts were scored on the basis of their current performance not on the basis of life-long training.  I guess we can cancel future Olympics and simply award the medals to those who train their entire lives because they are the ones who deserve it.


Those athletes who devote themselves to life-long training aren't the only ones who are deserving, according to commercials and popular folklore..  We all deserve whatever it is we want.  You deserve a break today.  You deserve to have your crushing student loan forgiven even though you signed the agreement to pay it back.  You deserve to declare bankruptcy even if you're in your current situation because of really bad choices.  On the aforementioned radio station run by Christians the bankruptcy commercial even mentions that you can keep your boat, RV and SUV.  To ease the pain I guess.  You can't make this stuff up.)


I could go on but you stopped reading in the first paragraph so I'll just say this.  I am so glad that God has NOT given me what I deserve, but instead He graciously, mercifully gave me life with Him.  When the angels rebelled God did nothing to redeem them.  He could have rightfully done the same with me.  He didn't.  And for that I am, literally, eternally grateful.


One last comment.  Now that I've mentioned the word "deserve" it will amaze you how often you are going to hear the word "deserve" over the next few weeks.  That's your reticular activator at work.  It's the part of your brain that notices some things and ignores others so you don't go crazy with all the information coming at you.  Now that I've highlighted the word "deserve" you will notice it everywhere, kind of like when you get a new car and notice how many others own the same one.  I was going to apologize for activating your reticular activator, but hey, you deserve it.

Pacing in Front of the Microwave

Over the years I have often quipped that as Americans we pace in front of the microwave.  Anything worth doing is worth doing quickly.  Technology is outdated six months after its release. (The by-now-very-old May 2011 commercial by Best Buy is a classic statement of this phenomenon.)

Why do I bring this up?  Sharon and I have had enough of this season.  We want off the roller coaster.  We’ve been at this since April, after all, and are ready to move on.  Especially during the days following each infusion.  Life slows and our circle becomes very small.  And it’s not like when you go on vacation to some remote mountain cabin of your choosing, taking with you a few good books to read between hikes among the flora and fauna.  No, it’s like living with the flu every three weeks, only this flu also takes your hair along with your energy and gives you bone pain to boot.  And like the healthy person in the couple where one has the flu, I get the job of making the lite dinners and snacks, keeping the water glasses filled (Sharon mentioned last night that she’s sick of water.  That tells you something about her beverage options.), patting her hand, kissing her forehead and staying close by.  It’s a role I take seriously and wouldn’t trade with anyone, but if Sharon were feeling better there are certainly things we’d rather be doing.

With the upcoming round of Taxel followed by Herceptin and radiation we’re looking at about a year’s worth of treatment.  For 21^st century North Americans, that’s a long time.  Where’s the magic bullet?  Isn’t there something we can take that won’t have side effects?  Why does it have to take so long, cost so much (this is where a good credit history helps) and have so many implications for Sharon?  We’ve been at this 4 months already.  Isn’t that long enough?

When we get to this place in our heads, we have to take a deep breath and consider the alternatives.  There are people throughout the world who would be more than willing to commit a year to becoming cancer-free. There are people throughout the world with other diseases and syndromes who will have a lifetime of treatment (or not).  Knowing this does not take away our sense of frustration or make those recovery days easier.  But it does help bring us more quickly back to our gratitude that there is something that can be done that will keep Sharon here and, Lord willing, will restore her to health.  It reminds us that we are blessed, not because we deserve it but because we live in an age where there are those who have used their God-given (whether they acknowledge it or not) curiosity about the complexities of the human body to discover ways to combat cancer.  And it reminds us that God is with us each step of the way.  As Eugene Peterson translates Hebrews 13:5, “God assured us, ‘I’ll never let you down, never walk off and leave you.’”  Or as Paul reminds us in his letter to the church at Rome, “Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? (Romans 8:35-NLT)  Paul’s answer to this rhetorical question, by the way, is “No.”

So when you pray for us in this season, remember to pray for healing, but also for continued glimpses of the bigger picture.  We are “all human all the time” and therefore subject to discouragement, sadness, depression and impatience.  Remember to pray about those side effects, too.

Well, I have to run.  I have something in the microwave. 

Precisely

Sharon and I were talking the other day about how to describe this season precisely.  For those of you who know us, we both work at communicating precisely.  We cringe when someone refers to a “mute” point rather than a “moot” point.  Chester Drawers was an omelet parlor in Costa Mesa; a chest of drawers is an item of furniture for storing your clothes. A person who “could care less” still has a ways to go before total apathy sets in while a person who “couldn’t care less” is at the lowest point on the care-o-meter.  But I digress.

Before her surgery, I would tell people my wife has cancer.  Has. Present tense.  The surgeon is confident he removed all of the cancer including the two affected (not effected) lymph nodes.  So do we now need to say Sharon had cancer?  Had.  Past tense.  If so, why is she going through chemotherapy?  You can’t kill off cancer cells that don’t exist, can you?  Can we say Sharon is battling cancer?  But if the cancer is gone, why are we still fighting?

What this quandary reminds us is that for all its (not it’s) advances, medicine is still not an exact science.  There are no guaranteed cures.  There are many unanswered questions. We recently watched all four seasons of the BBC series, Bramwell. (If you decide to watch it, stop at the end of Season 3.  Under no circumstances should you go on to Season 4.) Eleanor Bramwell is one of the very few female doctors at the end of the 19^th century (that’s the 1800’s not the 1900’s.).  The first 3 seasons are vivid, graphic reminders of how far medicine has come in the last 100 years.  I would not want Sharon to have breast cancer in 1898.  I would not want to get a simple infection in 1898.  But for all the advances since then, doctors are still making educated guesses today because, as David points out in Psalm 139, we are “fearfully and wonderfully made.”  Our bodies are vastly complex and the variables are beyond calculation.

So I return to my question.  How should we refer to Sharon’s current status?  Maybe something along the lines of “Sharon had cancer and we hope that it has been totally removed by surgery but just in case it hasn’t we are currently taking steps that we hope will make its return less likely.”  The sentence itself shows how complex this season is.  Precisely.

Lived Life

"If the unexamined life is not worth living, 

the unlived life is hardly worth examining."

(From an article entitled "About Face--Why I'm Not On Facebook" by Steve Baarendse, Associate Professor of English and Humanities at Columbia International University in the May/June Touchstone magazine, . You can download a PDF of the article here by permission of Touchstone Magazine.)

Many of you know my wife Sharon is currently going through a round of chemo due to her battle with breast cancer.  Many have graciously commented on Sharon's journal entries on CaringBridge and what an encouragement those entries are as they walk on their own journey.  I think at the root of this response is that these people know it comes from a "lived life."

My point is that Sharon is one of those people who has not been sitting on the sidelines of life and waiting for things to happen. She is not one who tries to live life vicariously through her kids, her husband or her Facebook page. Sharon is one of those people, to quote Thoreau, who wants to "live deep and suck out all the marrow of life."  (Although why this imagery is appealing I'll never know.)

The reason the sharing of her experiences and insights touches people, I believe, is because there is integrity.  (The word integrity comes from the root word integer, which refers to a "complete entity.")  It doesn't mean she's perfect.  What it means is what you see is what you get.  Her life is integrated.  She seldom compartmentalizes so she has a spiritual life disconnected from an emotional life disconnected from a physical life.

So Sharon is not one of those whose unexamined life is not worth living.  Nor is she one of those whose unlived life is hardly worth examining.  No, Sharon is one of those rare individuals whose lived life is worth examining.  Thank God she's willing to allow us to do that in her journal entries.  And she's been kind enough to allow me that privilege for almost 40 years.